be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
