Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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