So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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