Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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