Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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