if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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