She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
