Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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