She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
