the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
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You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
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WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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