Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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