You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
