i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
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i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
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Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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