I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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