Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
