I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
