I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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