why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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