sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
