I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
