does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
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Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
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Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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