Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
