When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
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Well now I have my semen on her headphones
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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