The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
