my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
