ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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