Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So many bounce houses so little time
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
