I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
