A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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