I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
