I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
