How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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