I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
