your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
