nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Randomize
