How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
