If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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