My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
