i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
