so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
All the doctor said was why
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
