My liver just broke up with me...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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