In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Less talking, more tequila
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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