You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
