I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
