So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
