therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
