Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
