Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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