It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
