I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
