Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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