You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.