if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?